Monday, December 6, 2010


Three years ago, I would have told you fighting for your right equated love. This year my view has changed drastically. I spent 2 years fighting for my ex to come back. Two years, shocking right? I'm not saying the fight wasn't worth it, it was. However, I've become a firm believer that fighting equates nothing, it makes nothing better. It makes it worse. We fought and fought. Many know the vague story of us. He was and always will be the love of my life. I would still fight if I knew there was anything to fight for. There isn't.

I do believe in love. I believe that it is worth fighting tooth and nail over.It's love. Love is fleeting and not everlasting. It does not conquer all, but it sure as hell feels like it can protect you from it all. I just don't want to fight anymore, I'm tired of fighting over anything. think love should be easier. I think one day I'll find that. I think the intensity I once had will go away. I think love is unconditional and honesty and truth will prevail. Love does not equate fighting


Mr. Devo said...

You wrote this on my Birthday.

Honoured. I share your view, sorry fighting didnt get you a win, but you seem strong and wise enough to be better for it in the long run.

- Mr Devo

runamockroger said...

I have a story much like yours. I spent a few years fighting trying to get something back that just wasn't there anymore. I was betrayed in the worst way but thought I deserved it. Only later did I realize that what I wanted was something that was in the past.

It's like fighting a ghost, until eventually you realize "I have no control here". I can't make anyone love me. I don't miss the person I divorced, I miss the person who I married, a person that had changed and grown away from me until she was comfortable betraying me with someone else.

I have scars & I have wounds sure, but I also realize it's better to be alone than miserable WITH someone. I know what love is, I am not the same person I was before either. I think I have learned to appreciate the small things & live each day as it comes, the kind of maturity I just didn't have before. As a result I know if I get another opportunity I will proceed, not with blind passionate abandom but with both eyes wide open & grounded.

I found that when I am living in the past if I remind myself I don't have any control & cannot make someone love me it helps tremendously.

What do you have control over today?

Andy Mac said...

Interesting thoughts. It's good to see how your view changed over the 3 years, as you learn from experience.

I guess though I struggle to see why you would OTOH say your ex was "love of your life" and OTH say love is "fleeting, not everlasting". Perhaps this derives from a world view (which I think is total bollox) about fate and "the one". There's so many different kinds of love (fondness v passion, short term infatuation v long term commitment, romantic v practical) that it's hard to generalise, but I do agree with your view that love may not be everlasting.

For example: how do you compare short term infatuation with a long term relationship? Can it really be love if you're not willing to take a bullet to protect the person you love? And why is good sex a pre-requisite for relationships to succeed, isn't love sufficient? This all indicates to me that love means different things to different ppl and most relationships are anyway a compromise between "love" and compatibility (of goals, if not personality).

Your own experience seems to indicate one-sided love is possible (or alternatively you both had incompatible goals). There is an element of choice even then as to whether you continue loving the person (you mention fighting for 2 years, but it would be interesting to know at what point you stopped loving, if at all).

My own view is that human love can grow and it can die. There's nothing absolute about it, despite society's pressure for parental or marital love to be lasting (and hence the commonly held myth about "the one"). I don't believe love is sufficient on its own, you also need a degree of compatibility which is why some peeps who love each other should never be in a relationship. The relevance of this depends of course on whether you're taking a long term or short term view, but I've seen plenty of instances where lack of compatibility has destroyed what started out as love.

I agree with you that love is rarely worth fighting over. If the feeling isn't reciprocated, then you either move on or accept that you love the person so much that you're willing to wait for love to grow on their part . . . though IMO this usually breeds second class relationships. Any good relationship needs give and take on both sides and if the strength of feeling is demonstrably higher on one side, then human nature means that the other side will invariably take advantage, particularly if one is a control freak!

So from what you describe, I think you're wise to have called it a day, but by continuing to believe your ex is the love of your life, take care that doesn't hold you back from finding an even better "love of your life" next time!