New year's resolutions

Broken, both of them ,less than a month into the year. I fail at those things. What were they? I'll never tell.

And so I bid adieu

Tonight, well today is my last few hours living in NYC. We got along, we disagreed. We pretty much hated each other and tested each other. Do I love the city? Yes. Can I live here? No. We pretty much all knew I'd chase after my heart. It's not here. Thought out of sight, out of mind. Didn't work. So, I go home, with hope and love and knowing that tomorrow always brings another day

Destruction

They look at me with cautious eyes
I can hear their desperate pleas,
He'll destroy, he'll leave you,
If you can't let him go you'll be nothing.
This, I know is true,
Yet, its a beautiful wreck,
I can't bare to tear myself apart.
He's my light, he's my smile,
He's been my one and only for so long.
My brain can't see a world without him.
I try to let go, I try to walk away,
I just can't, I fail.
And the destruction continues on.
The tears fall, the heart aches,
My world revolves around him, my sun.
Will I survive or will I die?
I'll just be left on the side of the road.

Some days I forget I'm only human

I've spent the last two weeks almost constantly moving. Right now, I'm cuddled in sweats at my dad's watching country music videos and reheating leftover Chinese. This is the first trip I made with someone and saw how stressful it can get. I'm not used to driving constantly. I'm used to flying, being there in an instant and coming home in an instant. This time someone drove. I saw the life I lead tear each of us apart at some moments. It seems we forget we're human. We forget to rest and get so riled up from day long car trips that it makes it hard to sleep at night. I can go for a while on little sleep, but I get emotional and tired, both physically and mentally. To be at my dad's is a relief for me. I get to sleep in and finish things that need to be done.

It's hard doing this full-time some days. I have to rest every 3 or 4 days or my body just can't take the stress, especially when it's this cold. I'm happy to be able to spend 2 weeks to a month here in Feb. I'll work still and make some beautiful art, but it will be more geared towards putting my head back on straight. I also get to hang around my self-absorbed, cocky, douche bag of a best guy friend. I'm sure by the end of the 2 weeks, I'll be sick of him and our general fuckeries. It will be good though

Today, I got my passport. Tomorrow I get my SS card and then back to online FT student. I'm so excited to be learning again. I forgot how much I missed school. It feels like I should be dreading it, but I can't help but smile thinking about it. Now, I'm back off to find work and fuck around on the internet.

Here it goes again

I have these flashes and moments where I hate my life. I despise the constant moving, I question my ability to ever truly love again, and I question myself. I wanna be back in school, but without the financial aid coming in this month, I have been forced into a hiatus. It's driving me batty. All I need is 4 grand in the next month to be able to start again and finish these last 4 classes. I can't find that. Disappointment once again sweeps over me. Frustration takes the reins. Anger bubbles up. Then, it all melts into sadness. What am I doing in my life? Where will I be in 5 years? Who will I be remembered as? It's tough.

I hate the inconsistencies that rattle my life. Then, some days, I love it. I hate that I'm incapable of being truly open since him, except with four people. I no longer like being touched. An embrace sometimes feels like a choking feeling and I'm left alone. Who would have thought that 20 would be so tough? I know I have to grow up and it's just tough. I have no plan. I just wander.

I think what I'm in need of is working on my own art. Taking a few days to be me and relax. My priorities get shaken and a new year always has this effect on me. This ability to make me feel uncertain of me. It's time to do a project for me again. Get the emotions and everything off my chest and move on. Pack it all in a neat little box and let it go.

Whatever Tomorrow Brings, I'll Be There!

The more I travel and the more people I meet, the more I understand a quote as simple as my title. There are so many people from so many places who if they called and said I need you now, I'd be there. We're not super close, we don't talk every day, but they're like family now. I think it's something that has come from traveling all the time. I meet these people and I have 7 days or less living with them and getting to know them. I'm so open that I just tell them now. My life seems like some sort of open book.

Sure, there are few things that only a few people know, but I spend the most time with them. Those are the people who could be in outerspace and I'd figure out how to help them. This community is stranger. It's one of the strangest I've seen. SoCal is a scene, but this group is so different. We trust so easily, but befriend only a select few. Those grow to know us better than anyone else. They're the ones you call lonely at 12:30 am and say can you come over, I just want someone to be around. And they come, they get it.

Something about the loneliness of this business and the closeness enthralls me. I love that I have these people. I wouldn't trade it for anything. However, in a way I already pay the price of a strange loneliness

And it's finally over

I found myself dying for this year to be over months ago. It seems to me, and many friends of mine that this year has been more of a test than anything else. Will I fall? Will I get over my first broken heart? Will I be ok? I passed every one and even more with flying colors. I'm not going to lie, there will multiple times when I was ready to throw in the flag. I was tired, hurt, and bruised. Sometimes I gave in to those thoughts and quit for a few weeks. Just took some "me" time. In the end, my friends saved me from myself.

This year, I'm hoping will be better. I have goals set already. I have goals for money, travel, me, and fun. I know I can do it if I want to. I really want to be published this year and I want to see as much of the world as possible. Traveling made me feel sane a few weeks out of the month. I'm dying to move home and be around my family more. I've got my hopes up this time. If I put my mind to it, then I can do anything.

It's a new year with a new life and new friends. I'm excited. I feel like I'm really getting everything together for the first time.. ever